Pretty Zombies

So, I found out that a girl I've known for a few years at school is a GAMER! This made her so very hot. We are hooking up the 360 in my friend's minivan on the way to SA for SWPA. She and I are going to be able to hang out and share something in common. A door, maybe...?

I have so much to do this week, but that is a good thing, because I have a 5-day weekend lol. I can't believe this semester is almost over. Time seems to speed up as we age.

I bought chelada tonight. Such a wonderful beverage. I wish I could find a girl that shares my affinity for strange eats and drinks. I am so excited to be back in San Antonio later this week. A good friend of mine that became a friend of someone back home, Nathan, and I will be going to a hookah bar. I will not smoke anything I have to inhale, but I will be enjoying my cigars. Too bad they are too young to drink lol.

Saw Sucker Punch. Everyone thinks it's amazing, but fanboys/girls will be...well...deluded individuals that will stil lbuy the merchandise and write shitty fanfics lol. At least they have passion.

Gonna go warm up somefood, and drink some chelada so I can stand to watch superjail with Austin. That show is complete and utter hundscheiBe!

Cheap Thrills

Wondered if life was just a collection of disappointments interrupted randomly by cheap thrills. We become so content with amazing so easy and quickly, that life becomes like crack, consuming, looking for the next amazing thing.

Alex is so very stupid. She will never be a good friend or girlfriend. I am calling it now, divorce or misery. I've gotten over being dragged along, but now I am trying to be a friend, and she is too stupid to figure it out. I give her space, and all she does is disappear.

I've made new friends, and strengthened old ties. No longer am I slaving away to her. The tumor has ceased to grow, and now I am performing the final cut to sever this leech from my life.

I am excited to be a Brony now. Totally getting into the little subculture lol. Wonder how long I can keep up this progressive streak of mine. I want to be loved, but I am ok not searching every second. I actually found myself checking out a figure that a classmate in my Tai Chi class possessed. I have a word for it: Fox. There is something beautiful about a woman that can calm the hell down, wear her hair loosely, not bother with make-up and be genuine to a fault. THAT is beautiful. Make-up is just awkward to me, and it has to be a pain in the ass for women. If someone expected me to straighten my hair everyday, match colors of clothing and whatever, and wear make-up, I would fail miserably.

It was odd. I have never been the guy to attract the female eye, but when I dressed up, shaved, wore a tie, and presented at a research festival, i could FEEL women looking at me. I loved every second of it, and learned that I am quite the little shy boy. It was a wonderful experience to learn about myself from others.

I cant wait to make a drink tomorrow. I have gotten heavy into My Little Pony, and there are drink recipes for each of the characters. I am going to make Applejack, the rugged and tough farm pony drink. Whiskey, apple cider, and a touch of Jager. Excited.

Fuck....she had to text me just now, didn't she? *Drops phone and doesn't give a shit*

Got a torch, finally, for my cigars. I hate those cheap bic lighters...they can't light a cigar in a room if someone breathes too hard. Torches rule!

Women

Women are nice, but they just hurt you. Best friend starts dating a guy, three months later is engaged. Had no idea. Tells me she's in love, doesn't sound convincing. He's in the navy, strong, secure, won't have to think about much, just follows orders. She likes that. Doesn't want to live in the real world, so this works for her. Kinda wondering where I fit now. She shrieks through the phone about everything wrong with him, started drinking to drown out her problems with him. True love. Says she understands why I am upset, doesn't even know the half of it. Dont even know this guy that is taking her away. Hopped around schools, couldn't cut it, joined navy after college. Real winner. Not sure if she is worth even being around anymore. Person like that obviously has some nasty shit in the closet. Her lack of standards will not bring me down with her. When she is sitting in a foreign country, looking out the window, her third drink in her hand, alone, I will not be there. Love is a game for fools, I am quickly learning that. I just don't need this anymore. Too many girls that laugh a little too loud, wearing rings that they picked out for their boyfriends to buy. Men stripped of dignity to appease the lust of a woman; their souls for her consumption. Social clubs hold ceremonies here to pressure the man to propose. I don't want any part in this. I do not need a woman. And if one comes along, she better be prepared to deal with this.

I am wondering how long it will be before the divorce. I will not attend the wedding. I will go do something else that has the promise of a future, or at least a future that will outlast this bullshit. Why are women like this? What is this need to be married? Why cling to a man as your source of being? Studies show that men tend to act and think to solve problems, while women just try to spread the pain around by talking with friends and husbands. The smartest husbands alive are the ones that brush the nagging wife away; he won't fall into her trap. Kinda sad that it has come to this, but in the long run I will be a better and happier person. Even if I have to go to restaurants alone, movies by myself, or dinner parties without company, at least i won't be hurt by another person.

What luck?

Well, the movie was sold out. Huzzah! But then I had other weird things happen this weekend. I went to hot topic, owed a friend some money, so he had me buy stuff for him in there...orgy dice. Nice... Then, I go over to fetch something from a friend's house and catch him and his girlfriend going at it right in plain view when I walked in. Why does this shit happen to meeee?! If I had built a shack to contain my loneliness, this was the damn typhoon that splintered it to oblivion. Oh well. Time to rebuild...

I love cigars. I actually found a box of cigars made by the company that Freud loved purchasing from. I am going to buy it. I'll never smoke cigs, just cuz they smell and taste like shit. A cigar can make a room smell good, and sharing scotch with friends is always a good time.

Gnomeo and Juliet

I don't really want to see this movie, but friends are going. Blarg...this movie looks awful. I hope tickets don't sell out in Abilene *snicker*...*crosses fingers*! I am going to go to a wonderful retirement home this afternoon to visit with some "old" friends hahahaha! It is amazing how truly more full my life has gotten since I broke up. I guess leeches can slow you down... But to be fair, she and I are still "talking" to one another, telling about our days and other random crap I really don't care much about. Thinking of starting to date again...already. There are amazing women here that I know would have a lot more to offer me, and I could be there for them too. I am nervous about dating, because I have always dated safely. I have never gone for a woman that I may not be sure of the answer. I need to take a few risks now. Better to handle a few rejections and be accepted by the right one than keep taking in strays that were never meant to be.

Artwork by http://squeedgemonster.deviantart.com/

My life needs a nice Ravestep remix

Well, I am now getting a group together to go to a "techno rave friday" that a local club hosts, well, every friday. One good friend of mine is into all that "poi" business, a couple tagging along is practically vampiric, and there are a bunch of clueless ones -THAT'S ME! :D-

I have never been to a club, and I am tired of being no fun. This is me trying to test the waters, and see if I enjoy this activity. Win or lose, I love the people I'm going with, and I know this will be a fun time.

It is amazing how quickly I became an individual again. It was like being born into a new psyche. I am more fun, I agree to go out more, I am keeping in touch with family, I haven't sat on my ass a whole lot, and I am liking it.

Funny Events

So, my study abroad friends are some of my closest buddies, and I am happy that they accept me in all of my "Kyle-ness". I sat down with two of the girls from study abroad, my closest of my study abroad friends, to eat lunch at a build-your-own burrito place. We began discussing the woes of singlehood and of course, being a male, it transitioned to ideals of form, "sizes" and other things. Now, I have always somewhat yearned for the primitive human experience, been mountain climbing, ate intestines, slept in a favela, etc. But actually finding a woman that embraces that too would be so very appealing. I mentioned that I thought overalls were hot. I shouldn't have...

After 5 minutes of roaring laughter that nearly encouraged me to act like I needed a drink refill so I could act like I didn't know them, I had to explain myself. Ok. Yes, overalls are what we all wore when we were little, awkward children in elementary school, but now, they can be very attractive! A woman that can just toss her hair down, wear nothing but possibly the most practical article of clothing, and be interested in me is an absolute dream! But alas...I am only weird Kyle.

Getting into the thick of it

I am now getting into the thick of the semester. I am back to tests, quizzes, and projects. I just can't wait to get on and over with undergrad.

I have become more and more kind to people needing my help, and I am finding new purpose. I just had to find a way to not be left too alone with myself and my thoughts to get better.

About to go to class, and wont be done till 9 tonight :(. At least my week gets easier after mid-day tomorrow.

Good Things

Just got contacted by the director of the doctoral program I am interested in. Wants to do a phone interview. So. Fuckin. High.

But for real. This is so cool for me, I may actually get to pursue my goals in life after all. I am so excited for this!

Things are getting better

Today is the first day that I feel things will be better. I am still a kid, only 21, and there is no reason for despair. I received excellent news today, showing that I have worth on my own, and that I don't need to gain all of my worth from another person. Eventually, I will be so complete that I will be easy to love, and more able to return love in kind. Made a new friend from my class this weekend, really nice. She is even burning me a copy of the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack. I am seriously super excited about this! I feel lighter. It is a strange feeling. My relationships have seemed like a mouth ulcer. You can't help but induce pain, because once you stop, even standing still feels like heaven.

It's ok to look

Today has been a good day. I have reached the point of being ok with being a little curious about getting back "into the field". Talked with a friend from forever ago, old friends are like seasons of a TV show, you miss some, but then you invest a few minutes and they were the most interesting of your entire day. The friend has had so much going on, reminds me of how very slow and "behind" I am in life. I still fear retaliation from my parents for getting a tattoo, I have still never forged the bond I want so very much, and I have not done anything worth really mentioning. I am a furry, like that's supposed to shock people? I want to go to Anthrocon so very badly, I will get there eventually...

I know she is out there. I am not going to settle. A woman that twists my hair in her fingers, has no problem plucking stray hairs on my face lol, or even challenging me to go get my nails done with her. I can't wait to not ever need this blog again, cuz she will be my journal. A journal that talks back, that straightens me out, and yes, takes me to levels of existence I could never achieve alone. Stroking her hair and rocking back and forth with her in my arms after a tough day, laying my head on her swollen stomach before birth, painting her toes during pregnancy because she can't see or fix them herself, surprising her all the time with sweet things that she loves uniquely. Damn...I am hungry.

Relational insights

The Child and the Man

A child is simple, easily controlled, yet trusted absolutely because of their lack of knowledge about all of the possibilities to cheat and lie effectively. He can't leave you, because he doesn't know any better. A man is complex, strong willed, and must be watched due to his real experience. He can go where he pleases, and he can leave you.

How do you feed these two opposites?

A child is picky, and will get upset about what is placed before him. He eats little, and never finishes what is being fed to him. He rushes away from the table to engage in frivolous pursuits, leaving you to clean up and take care of the mess yourself.

A man eats many more things, and in much greater quantities. He is content with simple eating, but desires surprises to know he is worth such effort. He is gracious, and would never belittle you for your efforts. He may appear lazy, but he will occasionally help clean up with you. It isn't that he doesn't care, but he just doesn't always recognize the scale of how hard you may work. When he does tell you to relax as he does the dishes, know he is making a conscious effort for you, and you alone.

Food energizes the body, and the right food builds the body up stronger.

A child eats little, so he can only do little. Overfeed a child, and he becomes sick, and you must care for him. Underfeed a child, and he will become bitter and avoid you. He depends on you. You cannot depend on him. WIll he stand up for you, fight for you, humble himself for you? No, he will not.

A man eats much, he requires more effort to keep healthy, but a man can do for himself. A man knows better than to overindulge, or should. You can only do so much. A man can then use the food provided to tremendously increase your strength. He can defend you. He can fight for you. And he will humble himself before you.

Feed your man, and he will provide for you. His food is love, understanding, support, sex, spontaneity, and well...food. If you can't "cook", you should learn. If you can't learn, prepare to be burned. Don't be lazy, and never let your man slack.

To my fiance...dont know how to make that fancy "e"

Thank you for staying with me. I know my ambitions and worries probably have been a source of struggle for us, but we have made it..."this far" (You better have watched TRON with me to get this ) :). I suppose you are everything I have had in my head as the idea of perfection. I bet you tackle me when I stretch, put your finger in my nose at all of the most inopportune moments, and I love it. I bet you and my family speak and enjoy one another. I know about the little alliance you have made with my sister, I know you plot against me ;).

I look at you, and everything else that would excite me is far from my being. The way I can't help but peek in on you when you get ready in the morning, amazed at how very hard you work to look good for me, as well as yourself. As we read this together, I probably need to shave, I most likely need a haircut, and I bet I am still thick around the middle. After we read this, I suggest we find a way to sweat together ;).

You and I probably wont finish all of this, because I may actually cry like a little dork, remembering how hopeless I felt as I wrote this. I may just wrap around you, and not let you go until morning.

Right now, I should make you a promise, and every day should be an effort to keep a promise to you. Hopefully this is being read soon after our engagement, and on a weekend so that I may properly serve the woman I have chosen (Have we watched AVATAR?) I hope you know that I will always get better for you, and I expect you to kick my ass, not all the time.

Do we take pictures together? I have always been terrible about that...

Do you want to jump my bone(s) right now?

Have we known each other for very long?

Have I admitted to you that I am a furry?

Am I still a furry?

Can we go to anthrocon this year? I know youre probably the one who is really in charge.

Tell me what you are thinking right at this moment.

If you say "chapstick", please tell me you like carmex.

I hope we have just kissed after that. Hint Hint!

What is the difference between being single and hell?

nothing. Nothing sucks as much as being single. Wanting to go out to eat means carry-out, and runs to the store are never as enjoyable. Being single means you must find a group to belong to, hopefully a group that isn't clustered into pairs of lovers. Love really sucks ass. Finally told Katlyn how I feel about her, didn't go well. Kinda mad about losing her to some jar-head. She can justify it all she likes, but it is very simple: watch what happens. This is going to be a great ride. Tough to imagine being alone like this forever. Maybe this was supposed to happen. She isn't right for me if she will settle left and right. No integrity.