Women

Women are nice, but they just hurt you. Best friend starts dating a guy, three months later is engaged. Had no idea. Tells me she's in love, doesn't sound convincing. He's in the navy, strong, secure, won't have to think about much, just follows orders. She likes that. Doesn't want to live in the real world, so this works for her. Kinda wondering where I fit now. She shrieks through the phone about everything wrong with him, started drinking to drown out her problems with him. True love. Says she understands why I am upset, doesn't even know the half of it. Dont even know this guy that is taking her away. Hopped around schools, couldn't cut it, joined navy after college. Real winner. Not sure if she is worth even being around anymore. Person like that obviously has some nasty shit in the closet. Her lack of standards will not bring me down with her. When she is sitting in a foreign country, looking out the window, her third drink in her hand, alone, I will not be there. Love is a game for fools, I am quickly learning that. I just don't need this anymore. Too many girls that laugh a little too loud, wearing rings that they picked out for their boyfriends to buy. Men stripped of dignity to appease the lust of a woman; their souls for her consumption. Social clubs hold ceremonies here to pressure the man to propose. I don't want any part in this. I do not need a woman. And if one comes along, she better be prepared to deal with this.

I am wondering how long it will be before the divorce. I will not attend the wedding. I will go do something else that has the promise of a future, or at least a future that will outlast this bullshit. Why are women like this? What is this need to be married? Why cling to a man as your source of being? Studies show that men tend to act and think to solve problems, while women just try to spread the pain around by talking with friends and husbands. The smartest husbands alive are the ones that brush the nagging wife away; he won't fall into her trap. Kinda sad that it has come to this, but in the long run I will be a better and happier person. Even if I have to go to restaurants alone, movies by myself, or dinner parties without company, at least i won't be hurt by another person.

What luck?

Well, the movie was sold out. Huzzah! But then I had other weird things happen this weekend. I went to hot topic, owed a friend some money, so he had me buy stuff for him in there...orgy dice. Nice... Then, I go over to fetch something from a friend's house and catch him and his girlfriend going at it right in plain view when I walked in. Why does this shit happen to meeee?! If I had built a shack to contain my loneliness, this was the damn typhoon that splintered it to oblivion. Oh well. Time to rebuild...

I love cigars. I actually found a box of cigars made by the company that Freud loved purchasing from. I am going to buy it. I'll never smoke cigs, just cuz they smell and taste like shit. A cigar can make a room smell good, and sharing scotch with friends is always a good time.

Gnomeo and Juliet

I don't really want to see this movie, but friends are going. Blarg...this movie looks awful. I hope tickets don't sell out in Abilene *snicker*...*crosses fingers*! I am going to go to a wonderful retirement home this afternoon to visit with some "old" friends hahahaha! It is amazing how truly more full my life has gotten since I broke up. I guess leeches can slow you down... But to be fair, she and I are still "talking" to one another, telling about our days and other random crap I really don't care much about. Thinking of starting to date again...already. There are amazing women here that I know would have a lot more to offer me, and I could be there for them too. I am nervous about dating, because I have always dated safely. I have never gone for a woman that I may not be sure of the answer. I need to take a few risks now. Better to handle a few rejections and be accepted by the right one than keep taking in strays that were never meant to be.

Artwork by http://squeedgemonster.deviantart.com/

My life needs a nice Ravestep remix

Well, I am now getting a group together to go to a "techno rave friday" that a local club hosts, well, every friday. One good friend of mine is into all that "poi" business, a couple tagging along is practically vampiric, and there are a bunch of clueless ones -THAT'S ME! :D-

I have never been to a club, and I am tired of being no fun. This is me trying to test the waters, and see if I enjoy this activity. Win or lose, I love the people I'm going with, and I know this will be a fun time.

It is amazing how quickly I became an individual again. It was like being born into a new psyche. I am more fun, I agree to go out more, I am keeping in touch with family, I haven't sat on my ass a whole lot, and I am liking it.

Funny Events

So, my study abroad friends are some of my closest buddies, and I am happy that they accept me in all of my "Kyle-ness". I sat down with two of the girls from study abroad, my closest of my study abroad friends, to eat lunch at a build-your-own burrito place. We began discussing the woes of singlehood and of course, being a male, it transitioned to ideals of form, "sizes" and other things. Now, I have always somewhat yearned for the primitive human experience, been mountain climbing, ate intestines, slept in a favela, etc. But actually finding a woman that embraces that too would be so very appealing. I mentioned that I thought overalls were hot. I shouldn't have...

After 5 minutes of roaring laughter that nearly encouraged me to act like I needed a drink refill so I could act like I didn't know them, I had to explain myself. Ok. Yes, overalls are what we all wore when we were little, awkward children in elementary school, but now, they can be very attractive! A woman that can just toss her hair down, wear nothing but possibly the most practical article of clothing, and be interested in me is an absolute dream! But alas...I am only weird Kyle.

Getting into the thick of it

I am now getting into the thick of the semester. I am back to tests, quizzes, and projects. I just can't wait to get on and over with undergrad.

I have become more and more kind to people needing my help, and I am finding new purpose. I just had to find a way to not be left too alone with myself and my thoughts to get better.

About to go to class, and wont be done till 9 tonight :(. At least my week gets easier after mid-day tomorrow.

Good Things

Just got contacted by the director of the doctoral program I am interested in. Wants to do a phone interview. So. Fuckin. High.

But for real. This is so cool for me, I may actually get to pursue my goals in life after all. I am so excited for this!

Things are getting better

Today is the first day that I feel things will be better. I am still a kid, only 21, and there is no reason for despair. I received excellent news today, showing that I have worth on my own, and that I don't need to gain all of my worth from another person. Eventually, I will be so complete that I will be easy to love, and more able to return love in kind. Made a new friend from my class this weekend, really nice. She is even burning me a copy of the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack. I am seriously super excited about this! I feel lighter. It is a strange feeling. My relationships have seemed like a mouth ulcer. You can't help but induce pain, because once you stop, even standing still feels like heaven.

It's ok to look

Today has been a good day. I have reached the point of being ok with being a little curious about getting back "into the field". Talked with a friend from forever ago, old friends are like seasons of a TV show, you miss some, but then you invest a few minutes and they were the most interesting of your entire day. The friend has had so much going on, reminds me of how very slow and "behind" I am in life. I still fear retaliation from my parents for getting a tattoo, I have still never forged the bond I want so very much, and I have not done anything worth really mentioning. I am a furry, like that's supposed to shock people? I want to go to Anthrocon so very badly, I will get there eventually...

I know she is out there. I am not going to settle. A woman that twists my hair in her fingers, has no problem plucking stray hairs on my face lol, or even challenging me to go get my nails done with her. I can't wait to not ever need this blog again, cuz she will be my journal. A journal that talks back, that straightens me out, and yes, takes me to levels of existence I could never achieve alone. Stroking her hair and rocking back and forth with her in my arms after a tough day, laying my head on her swollen stomach before birth, painting her toes during pregnancy because she can't see or fix them herself, surprising her all the time with sweet things that she loves uniquely. Damn...I am hungry.