Getting into the thick of it

I am now getting into the thick of the semester. I am back to tests, quizzes, and projects. I just can't wait to get on and over with undergrad.

I have become more and more kind to people needing my help, and I am finding new purpose. I just had to find a way to not be left too alone with myself and my thoughts to get better.

About to go to class, and wont be done till 9 tonight :(. At least my week gets easier after mid-day tomorrow.

Good Things

Just got contacted by the director of the doctoral program I am interested in. Wants to do a phone interview. So. Fuckin. High.

But for real. This is so cool for me, I may actually get to pursue my goals in life after all. I am so excited for this!

Things are getting better

Today is the first day that I feel things will be better. I am still a kid, only 21, and there is no reason for despair. I received excellent news today, showing that I have worth on my own, and that I don't need to gain all of my worth from another person. Eventually, I will be so complete that I will be easy to love, and more able to return love in kind. Made a new friend from my class this weekend, really nice. She is even burning me a copy of the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack. I am seriously super excited about this! I feel lighter. It is a strange feeling. My relationships have seemed like a mouth ulcer. You can't help but induce pain, because once you stop, even standing still feels like heaven.

It's ok to look

Today has been a good day. I have reached the point of being ok with being a little curious about getting back "into the field". Talked with a friend from forever ago, old friends are like seasons of a TV show, you miss some, but then you invest a few minutes and they were the most interesting of your entire day. The friend has had so much going on, reminds me of how very slow and "behind" I am in life. I still fear retaliation from my parents for getting a tattoo, I have still never forged the bond I want so very much, and I have not done anything worth really mentioning. I am a furry, like that's supposed to shock people? I want to go to Anthrocon so very badly, I will get there eventually...

I know she is out there. I am not going to settle. A woman that twists my hair in her fingers, has no problem plucking stray hairs on my face lol, or even challenging me to go get my nails done with her. I can't wait to not ever need this blog again, cuz she will be my journal. A journal that talks back, that straightens me out, and yes, takes me to levels of existence I could never achieve alone. Stroking her hair and rocking back and forth with her in my arms after a tough day, laying my head on her swollen stomach before birth, painting her toes during pregnancy because she can't see or fix them herself, surprising her all the time with sweet things that she loves uniquely. Damn...I am hungry.

Relational insights

The Child and the Man

A child is simple, easily controlled, yet trusted absolutely because of their lack of knowledge about all of the possibilities to cheat and lie effectively. He can't leave you, because he doesn't know any better. A man is complex, strong willed, and must be watched due to his real experience. He can go where he pleases, and he can leave you.

How do you feed these two opposites?

A child is picky, and will get upset about what is placed before him. He eats little, and never finishes what is being fed to him. He rushes away from the table to engage in frivolous pursuits, leaving you to clean up and take care of the mess yourself.

A man eats many more things, and in much greater quantities. He is content with simple eating, but desires surprises to know he is worth such effort. He is gracious, and would never belittle you for your efforts. He may appear lazy, but he will occasionally help clean up with you. It isn't that he doesn't care, but he just doesn't always recognize the scale of how hard you may work. When he does tell you to relax as he does the dishes, know he is making a conscious effort for you, and you alone.

Food energizes the body, and the right food builds the body up stronger.

A child eats little, so he can only do little. Overfeed a child, and he becomes sick, and you must care for him. Underfeed a child, and he will become bitter and avoid you. He depends on you. You cannot depend on him. WIll he stand up for you, fight for you, humble himself for you? No, he will not.

A man eats much, he requires more effort to keep healthy, but a man can do for himself. A man knows better than to overindulge, or should. You can only do so much. A man can then use the food provided to tremendously increase your strength. He can defend you. He can fight for you. And he will humble himself before you.

Feed your man, and he will provide for you. His food is love, understanding, support, sex, spontaneity, and well...food. If you can't "cook", you should learn. If you can't learn, prepare to be burned. Don't be lazy, and never let your man slack.

To my fiance...dont know how to make that fancy "e"

Thank you for staying with me. I know my ambitions and worries probably have been a source of struggle for us, but we have made it..."this far" (You better have watched TRON with me to get this ) :). I suppose you are everything I have had in my head as the idea of perfection. I bet you tackle me when I stretch, put your finger in my nose at all of the most inopportune moments, and I love it. I bet you and my family speak and enjoy one another. I know about the little alliance you have made with my sister, I know you plot against me ;).

I look at you, and everything else that would excite me is far from my being. The way I can't help but peek in on you when you get ready in the morning, amazed at how very hard you work to look good for me, as well as yourself. As we read this together, I probably need to shave, I most likely need a haircut, and I bet I am still thick around the middle. After we read this, I suggest we find a way to sweat together ;).

You and I probably wont finish all of this, because I may actually cry like a little dork, remembering how hopeless I felt as I wrote this. I may just wrap around you, and not let you go until morning.

Right now, I should make you a promise, and every day should be an effort to keep a promise to you. Hopefully this is being read soon after our engagement, and on a weekend so that I may properly serve the woman I have chosen (Have we watched AVATAR?) I hope you know that I will always get better for you, and I expect you to kick my ass, not all the time.

Do we take pictures together? I have always been terrible about that...

Do you want to jump my bone(s) right now?

Have we known each other for very long?

Have I admitted to you that I am a furry?

Am I still a furry?

Can we go to anthrocon this year? I know youre probably the one who is really in charge.

Tell me what you are thinking right at this moment.

If you say "chapstick", please tell me you like carmex.

I hope we have just kissed after that. Hint Hint!

What is the difference between being single and hell?

nothing. Nothing sucks as much as being single. Wanting to go out to eat means carry-out, and runs to the store are never as enjoyable. Being single means you must find a group to belong to, hopefully a group that isn't clustered into pairs of lovers. Love really sucks ass. Finally told Katlyn how I feel about her, didn't go well. Kinda mad about losing her to some jar-head. She can justify it all she likes, but it is very simple: watch what happens. This is going to be a great ride. Tough to imagine being alone like this forever. Maybe this was supposed to happen. She isn't right for me if she will settle left and right. No integrity.